I wish I could say I have found the love I was looking for, but the truth is I’m not really sure what I’ve found. All I know is that the deeper I dig in it, the deeper I am digging into myself and that seems like a risk I am willing to take. I was right before, because I have felt it, because I have gotten the proof I was seeking, I no longer feel the years of desperation that had so heavily plagued me. I thought I was unloved because no one could love me and that no one would. I still don’t have that love quite yet but now I know it’s possible. That its possible because of who I am not who I wish I was. There are areas of my head and heart that have yet to be awaken. I look forward to seeing what my heart and mind are capable of. I look forward to loving till I have nothing left to give and yet still loving more. I look forward to each experience that that entails. I have waited since the seventh grade, when I first heard Evanescence’s Bring me to Life to actually feel like I was awake. It took until the age of 22 but I can finally say I no longer feel frozen inside. Thank you, for bringing me to life.
And they lived happily ever after, are these in fact words that exist, or are they a myth that so many girls strive to achieve. Is there truly such a thing as love ever lasting. That after all our hardships and all our struggles that we will ultimately find the one that we are meant to be with and live a full and enriching life. With so many obstacles and detours how can anyone be sure? There are no guarantees and so we are left with blind faith. The hope and belief that our someone is out there for us. That someone will make us feel like our struggles were worth it. That we have somehow grown as a person and are better for all the shit we had to suffer through, because if not what is there. If there isn’t a reason for the bad then we just live in some cruel world in which famine, disease, and death take hold of our lives and there is nothing we can say or do about it. Do we really have a say over our own lives? Do we choose our path or are predestined for pain and disappointment? There is no guarantees that life will end up happy. We turn to movies and television in hopes that a spark is lit. As a reminder that maybe, just maybe it will all turn out okay. I would be lying if I didn’t say I had my doubts. I have wished for a soulmate as far back as I could remember and so far each year has proved to be unfruitful. With little proof there is only so much faith a girl can have. I’m not asking for forever. I merely ask for proof, not visual not through a third point of view but raw, hard physical proof. I just want someone that will love me unconditionally and irrevocably. Someone I can love back with every once of my being. I know asking for a cure for cancer is a bit much and a miracle and brilliance are needed but asking for love, an emotion that is so deep routed in us. An emotion that is not only intelligent but instinctual, I never thought I was asking for a miracle. But the universe works in mysterious ways and there must be more then my human mind realizes. There must be some reason why my life lacks the one thing I want most. I watch tv as proof that everything does come full circle. That no deed is done without a meaning but it is harder and harder to cling to that belief without the payout. When will it be my time to love. To feel loved. My hearts beats harder and faster for a love that I can not see, that I have yet to feel, and what sparks that belief. Why do I keep torturing myself with romantic notions despite years of absence? Because once I have felt it, once it has finally walked into my life, I know that one second of life with true love will instantly erase the years without it. I will forget the pain, the fear, and regret. It will be as if my life before that moment didn’t exist. And so I will trudge through my loveless life until I find it and all the pain is erased because it will be a distant memory of a life long past. Because a life without love isn’t one worth remembering.
“I often said that writers are of two types.
There is the architect, which is one type.
The architect, as if designing a building, lays out the entire novel at a time. He knows how many rooms there will be or what a roof will be made of or how high it will be, or where the plumbing will run and where the electrical outlets will be in its room. All of that stuff before he drives the first nail. Everything is there in the blueprint.
And then there’s the garderner who digs the hole in the ground, puts in the seed and waters it with his blood and sees what comes up.
The garderner knows certain things. He’s not completely ignorant. He knows whether he planted an oak tree, or corn, or a cauliflower.
He has some idea of the shape but a lot of it depends on the wind and the weather and how much blood he gives it and so forth.
No one is purely an architect or a gardener in terms of writers, but many writers tend to one side or the other.
I’m very much more of a garderner.”
I’m a Gardner…most definitely.
Currently reading : Gone GIrl
INT. LIVINGROOM–PRESENT DAY
CHERIE, 27, a petite red head, sits at a desk in front of a laptop with slouched shoulders and a blank expression. She is browsing a male’s internet profile. In the picture he is posed kissing a blonde female. She opens the message tab. Her hands hover over the keys. She sighs and shuts her laptop close.
She swivels her desk chair and as she stands something catches her eye. A black spider scurries across the floor. Cherie’s eyes follow as it glides across the floor. The spider stops and Cherie continues to stare at the spider lost in thought.
The room is dark while a younger Cherie is lying on her bed watching a movie. She is munching on popcorn when out of the corner of her eye she sees a shadow move across the floor. She grabs the remote and pauses the movie. She reaches for the lamp on her bedside table and CLICKS the light on.
She slowly crawls to the edge of the bed. She reaches the end of the mattress to find a large black spider.
She scrambles back towards the bedside table. She opens the draw and rummages through the items in search for something to kill the spider. She picks up a book then sets it back down. She grabs a bottle of perfume and slams the draw shut.
With determination on her face she goes back to the edge of the bed. She removes the cap and sprays the spider. The determination on her face gives way to fear as the spray only made the spider get closer to her. She continues to spray pump after pump at the spider. The spider seems un-phased. Cherie hears footsteps and looks towards the door of the room.
IAN, 29, stands at the doorway. He lets out a laugh at the sight of her. While maintaining eye contact with her he walks toward her with a smirk.
He steps on the spider without a hint of hesitation.
Ian laughs again. He continues to walk towards her. He places his hand on the side of her face and plants a protective kiss on her lips.
When they part, Cherie is smiling and previous evidence of fear is gone. She is visibly more relaxed. She pushes herself back towards the head of the bed and motions for him to join her.
He takes of his shoes and gets into the bed beside her. She turns off the lamp, reaches for the remote and hits play.
Int. Living Room – Present Day
The movement of the spider brings Cherie back to the present. She walks cautiously toward the spider. Each step more cautious and deliberate than the last. She approaches the spider and with a smirk on her face lifts her foot and plants it down on top of the spider’s body. She twists her shoe into the floor for good measure.
The doorbell RINGS and Cherie walks to answer it. She opens the door and greets the gentleman with an unenthused peck on the cheek.
Cherie takes a look back at the empty room, one glance towards the shut laptop and a second glance at the squished spider on the floor. She grabs her jacket, keys, and purse and walks out the door shutting it behind her.
* Warning: this is my tale of adam and eve in the garden of eden. If you are highly religious and would be offended by my using these characters please do not continue to read. I did not write this with any religious intentions in mind I just like the story and characters.
Love is an illusion meant to torture the soul, bestowed on one but suffered by all. A story of Adam and Eve…
God had put Adam in charge of the Garden of Eden but in his care the Garden lacked flourish. Adam was tall, athletic, and a thinker and so he kept the animals in line but the plants were suffering under his command. God gave this predicament all his thought and arrived at a suitable solution. He called upon Adam to confide his plan. He wished to make another man to complement Adam. One who used intuition rather than thought to tend to the garden. Adam hesitated at the idea of another man in the garden, after all he was in control but God assured him that this man was to be his equal and to prove it he would create this new man from one of Adam’s own ribs. Adam agreed. God set out with Adam’s rib to create this other man. When God was done this man didn’t look like a man at all but that was part of the plan. The being opened its eyes and God whispered.
“You shall be called Eve, equal to Adam and partner in tending the Garden. You will help the plants flourish and enjoy eternal pleasure and immortality here in the garden.”
Eve agreed and they set out to find Adam. When Adam laid eyes on Eve they widened in surprise. Why this man did not look like him at all. She had long flowing hair, her bosoms were larger and her hips had a curve on both sides. He did not understand their differences and yet in this came instant acceptance.
“Eve is a part of you Adam. You are to share everything equally with her and together you will both live with abundance and immortality.”
God wished them ado and left admiring his work but Lucifer had witnessed this exchange from behind a nearby tree and did not agree with God’s handy work. He didn’t understand God’s affection for Adam after all he was only made of soil while he himself was made of fire. Surely he must be able to tell the difference for fire was the stronger element of the two. He would just have to prove how weak soil was and he would use temptation as his weapon. He set off towards the tree of knowledge to hatch his plan.
Meanwhile Adam was giving Eve a tour of the garden as she was also now in charge of tending it. Each plant Eve touched sprang to life for within her was the power of growth and life. In the span of a day the Garden was back to its original state of bliss. With the partnership of Adam and Eve both plants and animals prospered.
Lucifer had been watching them for the last day and decided that he needed to strike Eve alone for the two of them together were far too powerful and the longer they remained at each other’s side the stronger they would become. He had to strike soon. He transformed himself into a serpent twice the size of any in the garden. He attacked a nearby tree with his poisonous bite sucking the life from its leaves and root. Eve could feel the tree in need. She went to fetch Adam but found him resolving an issue between the fellow animals. She decided to venture out to the tree alone.
By the time she reached it, it barely had an ounce of life left in it. She laid her hands on the trunk and closed her eyes. She focused on the life of the tree and used her power to nurture it until the limbs no longer hung and the fruit began to ripen. Eve began to waver and leaned up against the tree of knowledge. That tree was so deeply poisoned that it took a lot of her energy to revive it. She heard a faint hiss in her ear and turned to find Lucifer disguised as the serpent in the tree.
“You must be looking for Adam. He isn’t with me but I can go get him for you.”
“Actually I was looking for you. You are his equal after all, aren’t you?”
“What can I do for you?”
“The fruit from this tree. Can you feel its energy by touch?”
“I was afraid that the tree of knowledge may be losing its strength, do you think you could touch it to be sure?”
Eve laid her hands upon the apple of the tree and was overcome by a sensation she had never felt before. It was a deep sensation. She let go of the apple in surprise.
“Did you feel it?”
“Yes. It was miraculous.”
“Imagine if you were to take a bite?”
“Oh I couldn’t. God forbid us to eat the fruit from this end of the garden.”
“Why would he ever forbid Adam and Eve after all this garden would not flourish if it wasn’t for you two. He just doesn’t want you to be like him. That power you felt. It’s the very power god himself uses. Why would he forbid you unless he, he doesn’t think you can handle it. ”
“If anything I think you’re reviving this garden is proof enough that you deserve a bit of this apple.”
Eve stares at the apple. God had forbidden it but she had been working very hard. She reached out to touch it again. She was again overcome by the deep intense sensation. She couldn’t resist and before she knew it the apple was to her lips and bite she did.
She then set out to find Adam so that he too could experience this sensation. She found him back by the brook.
“Eve. Where have you been?”
“There was a tree, it was dying. I revived it.”
Eve holds out the apple towards Adam.
“Where did you get that?”
“From the forbidden part of the garden.”
“You know were not supposed to eat that fruit.”
“Why? Why aren’t we? Adam it gives you the most wonderful sensation. God just doesn’t think we deserve it but we have showed him that we do. Look at how beautiful this garden is. I have bitten into it and I am fine. Please just try it.”
Adam was reluctant but Eve was his equal and they shared everything. He took the apple and took not one bite but two. Adam and Eve shared the rest of the apple but on completion of the fruit they started to feel different. They felt the need to hide their physical self from each other and so they grabbed nearby plant life to hide from each other. They knew they would have to face God eventually and felt what later becomes recognized as guilt. These were all new feelings to Adam and Eve and it seemed as if the apple was bringing negative sensations rather than the positive ones they felt while holding the fruit.
God walked the whole garden in search for Adam and Eve. He finally found them near the fields, neither talking to each other and their body covered in plants. God watched them both intently as they noticed him approach them. Their bodies tensed and their faces darkened and he knew that they had eaten. He had not instilled an ounce of negativity in making them to protect them. He wanted them to only have the good things in life. He sighed as he came face to face with Adam.
“Dear Adam it seems you have betrayed me.”
“It was not my fault. Eve bestowed the apple. It is surely her fault.”
He turned to Eve. “Is this true?”
“It is, but the fault is not mine. I was tricked by a serpent. He said that you didn’t think we deserved the forbidden fruit and that after all the work we did in the garden we surely must have earned it. I believed him.”
“The fruit was forbidden to protect you from all that is bad. That feelings you have that made you seek plants. That is shame, shame for your beautiful bodies. That feeling you felt as I approached that was guilt, guilt for my betrayal, and the silence between you that is hate. Adam blames you for the apple and Eve you blame yourself. You have bestowed upon yourselves the very evils I was protecting you from.”
Eve begins to apologize but God interrupts her.
“You two must understand, I can’t have all these evils ruining the beauty of the garden. I ban you from this place you once called home.”
Eve begins to cry. “Where shall we go?”
“You must stay together and start life on earth. It will not be as easy as the plant life you revived here Eve. You will start human life on earth and with that will come painful labors in repentance for what you have done.”
Adam walks over to console a sobbing Eve. He addresses God.
“What was the deep intense sensation we felt while touching the fruit?”
“That was love. It is the purest form of positive power.”
“Why would you cover all the negativity in a layer of Love?”
°Before you were both created I collected all the negativity in the garden. Negativity can not be destroyed and so Love was the only force strong enough to suppress and bind the negativity. It was supposed to remind you of your loyalty and urge you to return the fruit. But it seems it was no match for temptation. That serpent was no doubt Lucifer. Temptation is his signature offense. I’m off to deal with him next. Farewell my friends.”
Adam and Eve lived the remainder of their life on earth procreating the human race. They spent the whole time in search of that sensation they had once experienced. They yearned for the intensity of love but they never found it. Their partnership was the only thing they had to compare to it but it was one millionth times weaker than love. Along with original sin they passed along this yearning to their children and their children’s children.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss and in this case, love was an illusion and its search tortured two souls but its continued search is suffered by many.
Noah Hawley is a novelist (The Good Father) and screenwriter (Lies and Alibis) who created and ran two TV shows for ABC (The Unusuals and My Generation). In this exclusive post, Hawley offers an insider’s perspective on what it’s like to have your show selected for a network’s fall schedule.
First of all, holy crap. You’ve already accomplished six impossible things. You sold a pilot idea. You navigated the development process and wrote a script that got the pilot shot, and you made a pilot that got the show picked up to series. Okay, three impossible things.
So what happens now? In a word, everything. First of all, even though your show just got picked up, you’re already 2 to 4 weeks behind schedule.
What? No, you heard me right. It’s May 15th. You need to be shooting by July 15th in order to premiere in late September. Which means you need to have your first script done in 6 weeks. And since you want at least ten weeks to hire writers and start breaking episodes, you’re 4 week behind right there.
Plus, you have to build sets. Which will take at least 8 weeks, but first you have to hire a production designer and supporting crew, which takes 3-4 weeks. So you’re about 5 weeks behind there. Why are you wasting time reading this?
So, what should you do first? Go to New York for the upfronts. The network won’t pay for you to go, but you should go anyway, because it’s cool to sit in Lincoln Center or Carnegie Hall and see people talk about your show, and also to go to the parties.
Celebrate, in other words.
But while you’re there you should hire ten writers, a production designer, a post producer, a producing director, three editors, find office space and start breaking
episodes. Just kidding! You’ll have two or three days to do all that when you get back.
What’s next? Here are 10 critical things to know/think about as you race through the next four months until your show is on TV. (Holy crap, your show goes on the air in four months!)
#1 - You are now the CEO of a $60 million dollar corporation. Let that sink in for a moment.
In addition to hiring writers and running the story department, you are in charge of a crew of 200 people, responsible for every physical production and postproduction decision. You are also the main liaison between your show and the studio who pays for it, and the network that airs it, and you will be talking to both of them several times a day. Which brings us to point #2.
Yesterday I went to the MTV Information Day Boston. It was their first ever and it was held at the Royale in Boston. I found it odd that it was being held at a night club!. There were about 75 other students there with me. We were all let in and ushered into seats and we were greated by Sway as the MC for the Question and Answer portion. We heard from three speakers and they answered a few questions. After that we were given the opportunity to speak to some of the executives freely. There were members from HR there so you can hand in a resume and some executives from production to answer any questions. They also provided food that included sliders, hot dogs, chicken tenders, pretzels and popcorn. With 75 students there and a limited number of MTV executives you can imagine the line we had to stand in to talk to people. I treated it rationally speaking to one person in HR and one person in production. For those of you that read my previous entry about MTV you know that I had submitted a pitch and was setting out to make a video to go along with it, well unfortunately after I made the video the file was to big to send in an email. I missed my chance at attending the pitch meeting before the informtation session but I was determined to find a executive that could potentially get my video (that I had put on a cd/dvd) to the right person. Only being able to choose one of the executives I pushed my lucky and took the plunge. It turns out that the woman I was speaking to was not the person of my emails but her boss! She was exactly who I needed to give the disk too. I was over joyed. The disk is now in their hands and thats all I could ask for.
Just like that the excitement wore off. Which excitement you ask, if you did indeed ask? The excitement I had about the Disney/ ABC Writing Program. Upon looking at the application which became available yesterday I came across a requirement that I unfortunately do not fit and neither would many newcomers to the business. The application requires two letters of recommendation from entertainment professionals currently working in the industry. Entertainment PROFESSIONALS?!?! Currently working in the industry?!? If I knew two entertainment professionals currently working in the industry I think I would be applying for jobs rather than fellowships. The reason I need the fellow ship is to work with industry professionals. And so starts the cycle of trying to get your foot in the door. They want you have experience, or in this case connections but won’t provide us with the opportunities to gain these requirements. I understand that they do this so they can pick the most elite of applicants but I ask, plead, and beg that they then develop a program strictly for amateurs where this recommendation from a professional is not a requirement. Nickelodeon didn’t require it allowing me to meet all the requirements to apply to their fellowship. Maybe they are hipper to the fact that often the best ideas come from those who are new and fresh to the industry. All I ask is that they help us help them…seems like a win-win to me. Viva la amateurs!